>I’m Too Sweet

>I have a lot of blues right now.  Loss of friendship blues, gaining weight blues, sciatica blues, lack of sleep blues, fear of 2 children blues, my toddler won’t eat blues.

But there is one set of blues that really has me down.

Wrote a song about it.  Wanna hear it?  Goes somethin’ like this….I got dem bluuuuuuuuuues baby, them gestational diabetes BLUUuuuueeees….. (remember what show that was?)

I am trying so so hard to eat exactly the way I should.  I obsess over every carb that passes my lips.  I faithfully test my blood after every meal.  I take meds at night to control my fasting levels.  I eat small high protein snacks.  I cook most meals at home.  I have given up fruit juice, coffee, sweets, big hunks of crusty bread…pretty much all my favorite stuff.

But my numbers are still creeping up here and there and it freaks me out.  I feel so guilty and horrible when I see a too-high number – like I am harming my little girl because I am too stupid to count carbs right.  Or I am weak and ate something I knew I probably shouldn’t – my own human selfishness.

Last night was a doozie – we were out, and ended up going to Pei Wei.  I thought I chose well – I got a shrimp dish, with plain shrimp instead of breaded.  I chose the sauce that had no mention of the word “sweet” – the ingredients looked safe.  Lots of green veggies.  I immediately boxed up most of my brown rice so I wouldn’t be tempted to eat it all.  It was a small portion.  I thought I did it right.

But.

As soon as I bit into it – it tasted sweet.  I knew it was too sweet, I knew it would be a problem.  It was obviously a sauce with a lot of hidden sugar.  But the kid was cranky – everyone was tired, the place was packed – I didn’t want to be a pain.  I didn’t want to be a pain and make everyone wait and delay our night just so I could grill the waitress on which sauce was safe for me to eat.  SO I ate the shrimp.  And I said “I have a bad feeling about this”.  BUT I still ate it.

An hour later my blood sugar was way too high.

And I lost it.

I cried all the way home. (which was a long drive – we were in another state visiting my Mom.)

I just sobbed.  For like 45 minutes.

I feel like an ass.  I KNEW I shouldn’t eat it, and I did anyway.  All I can picture is my little girl swimming and gagging in a sugar water pool… ingesting it, being harmed.  AUGH.  When I went in for my first diabetes management appointment – the Dr. said something along the lines of “It is so important to manage your diabetes, that keeps still birth rates way down.”

I am fucking haunted by that.

Still Birth.

STILL BIRTH.

Still birth, still birth, still birth, still birth, still birth.

Still birth.

I am just tired.  I am tired and beat down and sad.  Too much going on, too little sunshine, too little sleep, and no Girl Scout cookies.  Man, I want some Girl Scout cookies.
But mostly….
I want my little girl in my arms – safe and healthy.  I want her to be ok and here, with us – out of my toxic too-sweet tummy.

I’m over pregnancy.  I am grateful to BE pregnant but I HATE pregnancy. I guess I am having a bad week.

 

How Far Along? 28 Weeks
How I’m Feeling Overall: Tired.  Tired all the time.  Worried.  Worried all the time.
Maternity Clothes? Yes.  I am huge.
Stretch Marks? None. *knock on wood* 

Sleep? Horrible. Hip Pain is ridiculous – having some charlie horses, and mostly just can’t turn off my brain.

Best Moment of the Week? Little Man – he asked me “Momma, what in your boobs?  Water?” and I said “No honey, when your little sister comes, they will have milk for her to drink” – and he said
“oh, den little sister will lay on pillow to nursie and drink your boobs just like me!!”

LIKE HE REMEMBERED!  He always lay on a pillow to nurse, and I think he remembers and that just made me so happy. 

Movement? Yes, I get a lot of pokes and swooshes and wallops – a lot of times down low, I think she is breech.  Just like her brother.

Food Cravings/Aversions? At this point – eating is a chore.  I want sweets still, and if I see one more egg I will die. 

Gender? GIRL!

What I miss? Not having to track every bite I take.  Sweets, coffee, bloody mary, CHOCOLATE CAKE.
What I’m looking forward to? Her being here.  OUT.  Alive.
Weekly Wisdom:  2 more months – you just have to hang in there for 2 more months.
Milestones: baby is the size of a Chinese cabbage, and supposedly can see light.  I think I should start shining a flashlight in there and telling ghost stories.

Emotions? Completely out of control.

_______

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3 Responses to “>I’m Too Sweet”


  1. 1 Niksmom March 7, 2011 at 2:43 pm

    >Oh, honey, please forgive yourself for last night's meal and move on. Take it one day, one meal at a time. Is there anything I can do to help? I so want to support you to be gentle on/with yourself and find ways to reduce your anxiety. For both you AND your sweet daughter. And your two guys at home, too. Thinking of you and sending hugs and peaceful thoughts.

  2. 2 BigP's Heather March 7, 2011 at 7:41 pm

    >Oh, Sweetie! That is rough. I hope you can chalk it up to a lesson learned and do better in the future and not keep using yourself as a punching bag. Pregnancy is so hard without the added stresses you have. Take care of you.

  3. 3 areyoukiddingme March 8, 2011 at 12:01 am

    >You have quite the imagination, don't you? Buuuut, I will say that those with GD have a tendency to develop Type 2 Diabetes later in life. So, rather than worrying about still birth, try to refocus on how to find joy in eating healthy foods that will not mess with your insulin levels. And then, in 12 weeks, you can gorge on sweets for a bit, and then return to the more healthy lifestyle…so you can model healthy behavior for your children and be around for them for a long, long time. Can you tell that Type 2 diabetes runs in my family? And that no one ever does anything about it besides take more and more medication?But really, don't beat yourself up over one meal. That's just as unhealthy as the meal itself. It will be OK…


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