>I am sorry I have been absent.

I am sick as a DOG.  (where does that expression come from?)

I know there is this myth that people who have gone through infertility treatments should be sunny and happy and grateful for every pregnancy symptom.  Like I should be chortling with glee every time I have to pull my car over to the side of the road to dry heave.  Like “how can you complain when you wanted this so badly” or like “how can you complain when so many many women would kill to be pregnant?”.

Well, I call bullshit.  I am human, and I have felt like hot crap for over a month, and dammit I am gonna complain.

I am nauseous every minute of every hour of every day.  I am nauseous and dizzy and woozy and exhausted at all times.

The Dr. gave me Reglan to try, which I avoided from fear for about 2 weeks – but finally my husband was like “this is ridiculous, take the Reglan” and I went to see the regular OB who was like “dude, just take the Reglan”, so I took the Reglan.  And while it helps to ease the nausea – it leaves me a walking zombie.  I went to bed at 7:30 last night, just took a 2 hour nap, and I still feel like I am underwater – drowning in unbelievable fatigue.  Luckily Grandma came over to take the Little Man out for some fresh air and sunshine.

If I am being honest – feeling this shitty has messed with my mind a bit. 

I am scared I made a mistake.  Maybe I should have stopped at one child.  Maybe I am too old for this.  Maybe I am ruining my first childs life because I am too tired/sick to do anything with him.  What is gonna happen during the newborn stage when I am getting no sleep?  I feel like a terrible Mom.  I am having doubts.  I am scared.

So there you go.  I have a little miracle growing steadily on the inside – and I am a big old hot nauseous MESS on the outside.

I can only hope that the 2nd trimester brings some relief.



10 Responses to “>Ugh”

  1. 1 Crossed Fingers November 5, 2010 at 7:46 pm

    >Aw hugs. I'm sorry you're feeling so crappy – you have a right to complain no matter how you got there. Pregnancy isn't always sunshine & puppies. 🙂 Can you ask your doctor if there is anything else you can take since you're so foggy & groggy when you're on it? Don't worry – your son is going to LOVE having a sibling to play with – you just have to get over this hurdle of pregnancy and then the newborn stage. It won't be easy but it'll be worth it!

  2. 2 BigP's Heather November 5, 2010 at 7:58 pm

    >I always torment myself with the Pain Hierarchy and guilt about things too. Feeling like shit is crappy and you deserve to vent about it. Don't guilt yourself on top of feeling horrible – that is just being mean to yourself.I think it is normal at some point (especially the crappy stuff you are going through right now) to question and "what if". Think of the thousands and thousands who have had more than one kid. It will work out.

  3. 4 Niksmom November 5, 2010 at 10:18 pm

    >Hugs, love, understanding. Ask if you can try Zofran. WAAAAY better than the Reglan and not all the icky side effects. Of course, your mileage may vary…xoxo

  4. 5 Ariel November 6, 2010 at 12:20 am

    >I'm sorry you are sick. If it's any consolation, I'll be right behind you in another three weeks! 🙂

  5. 6 areyoukiddingme November 6, 2010 at 2:10 am

    >I don't understand this idea that overcoming infertility is all happiness – bitter (which most infertile people get to at some point) doesn't go away with a little hCG. Sometimes, it's like adding insult to injury – nope, can't stop the torture with infertility, have to have a miserable pregnancy too. Complain away. I think you've earned it.Hope you're feeling better soon. Most kids survive having siblings, so don't worry that your first child's life is ruined.

  6. 7 heartincharge November 7, 2010 at 2:55 pm

    >Don't add beating yourself up emotionally to your physical pain. Please?

  7. 8 Jodi November 8, 2010 at 8:12 pm

    >The misery is real. I can't imagine it with little ones. I sat like a statue at work i was so sick. When i got home i laid on my couch, cooked a crummy dinner and yelled at my animals. Do i want another baby though? Yes! I sure hope it ends soon for you.

  8. 9 MrsSpock November 13, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    >Feeling pukey 24/7 is a perfectly valid thing to hate. 1st trimester SUCKS, whether hard-won or not.

  9. 10 edenland December 3, 2010 at 11:15 am

    >Oh my sweetheart!! I hope you are feeling a tad better now. Good to see Motherguilt is alive and well, over there in the Americaaaaz.XOXPS Motherguilt's a bitch. Fuck it.

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