>Yes, I am still peeing, No, I can’t just stop

>8 days past transfer.

Tests took this morning looked JUST as faint as tests taken 6 days past. 
I will spare you from the pictures.  Just look back at yesterday’s.

I am still scared.  I can’t help it.

Unfortunately, once you have suffered a loss – you can’t just see the pink line then think PREGNANT YEA! and go about your business.

I have seen the pink line then heard  “YOU NEED IMMEDIATE SURGERY”.

I have seen the pink line, than sat on the toilet gushing blood and writhing in pain.

Someone asked in the comments “What more proof do you need?”
God I wish it was that simple.  I know everyone means only the best, I really do…
but I think my past gives me just cause to be a worrier. (and a bit cranky)

What more proof do I need?
A whole hell of a lot.

Some symptoms would be good. By this time with Nate, I was totally nauseous.
I have zero symptoms.  None.  Well, except some headaches, but I am pretty sure that is stress. No sore boobs, no funny pulling in my uterus, no nausea…nada.

I am so scared it implanted, but then ….stopped.  So I have HcG in my system…taunting me…but it is not real.

A live baby in my arms would be the ultimate proof.  If this ends with a live baby in my arms…feel free to call me a jackass for worrying so much.

But until then…

I am very very scared.

I can’t help it.



11 Responses to “>Yes, I am still peeing, No, I can’t just stop”

  1. 1 athena September 18, 2010 at 11:45 am

    >{HUGS} infertility causes permanent scars of a million shapes and sizes.. i know this part is hard, all of it is really.. but this part.. ugh.. i feel you sister!! there's no such thing as "a line is a line" when you come from our world.. + does not always = baby.. it's terrifying.. i will continue to keep everything crossed for you and hope this + = baby!! ❤

  2. 2 pixiemama September 18, 2010 at 12:29 pm

    >love, love, love, love, love.

  3. 3 areyoukiddingme September 18, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    >I just prefer to try and stay numb until I hear what the numbers say. Keeps me from torturing myself with what-ifs.Good luck…I'm hoping that we can all call you a jackass next year.

  4. 4 Tina September 18, 2010 at 1:08 pm

    >If it makes you feel any better, nausea didn't hit me until 6 weeks with both. With my first, because I wasn't puking my guts out when I got my pink line, I was all cocky thinking I would be one of those people that escaped it. Yeah. Freaking. Right. Anyway, keep peeing on stuff and we'll keep checking in 🙂

  5. 5 Miss Ruby September 18, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    >Hoping it's a sticky one for you and your numbers are fantastic.

  6. 6 Flucky Mom September 18, 2010 at 5:25 pm

    >Oh I can so relate. I had my share of m/cs and an ectopic. It's so unfair that we can't simply just be happy to see a BFP — we have to second guess everything. You are so close to your beta day, which hopefully will bring you one step closer to your live baby proof.

  7. 7 Niksmom September 18, 2010 at 5:45 pm

    >Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry this is so stressful. I remember going through my own journey (no IVF, though) and how hellacious it was. Just keep peeing if you need to and ranting when you feel the need. We're here.I'm holding a vision that this one sticks and the pregnancy will just be *different* from how it was with Nate. Thinking pink, plump, healthy baby in your arms next summer. Big hugs and hopes that you will just be gentle with yourself; you're a seething bundle of hormones and that's JUST FINE. xoxoOK…TRUTH…my word ver is adyytion…I'm thinking plus signs and additions to families!

  8. 8 Beautiful Mess September 19, 2010 at 1:43 am

    >Sending you lots of love. Hoping and praying for a sticky bean.*HUGS*

  9. 9 Melissa (Betty and Boo's Mommy) September 20, 2010 at 12:54 am

    >Echoing what athena said. We never forget those losses. Ever.

  10. 10 Photogrl September 20, 2010 at 1:29 am

    >It's unfair that so many of us have had the happiness of seeing a positive test tainted by losses. I totally understand your fear and concern…I'll continue to pray for a sticky pregnancy for you.((HUGS))

  11. 11 Jodi September 20, 2010 at 6:25 pm

    >I said what proof do you need BUT I too peed on 20 sticks. I never had a loss just had do some treatments for infertility. I love your dark lines. Infertility changes us for sure. Why else would we all be so interested in looking at photos of someone elses tests. My dh thinks I am insane! I will be putting positive thoughts out here in the universe for you.

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