>I Just Can’t Figure Out How To Say This

>

I still owe a BlogHer post, but I have had writer’s block.
I don’t know how to describe it.
It was just…too much.
Too much for me, anyway.
This is gonna be long.  And harsh at times.  Sorry.

(Oh and then, my Mother-in-law came for a visit, so I didn’t really have time to write.  We don’t want my MIL knowing I have a blog…Oh No nononono NO.
Ahem.)

Ok, so BlogHer.

Gosh.  Golly.

Wrapped up in one line, which doesn’t really tell you much, but yea….

I don’t think the BlogHer conference is for me.

Now, this is NOT to put down the conference, or the organizers of the conference. It is a huge and wonderful event, I know many people enjoy it thoroughly,  I can tell a supreme amount of work goes into it. The venue was lovely, the food was good, there was MORE than enough to see, learn and do, there was help for us newbies…and for some it was probably absolutely fantastic…

But.

I just don’t think I belonged there.

Let us cover the
BAD STUFF FIRST!
shall we?

I think my character flaws and/or quirks become way way wayyyyy highlighted in that setting.
Like self doubt, social anxiety, impatience, fear.

I did not feel inspired, I felt….tired.
I may (may???) have made a crucial error in judgement,
going to my very first BlogHer during my first week on IVF drugs.
Um yea.
I had to stay in my room for a couple hours at one point because of a massive MASSIVE migraine.
My tummy was jacked the whole time.
I felt manic and over-emotional.
I felt bloated.

(It is very unnerving, having to poo in a bathroom you are sharing with a virtual stranger, even if the stranger is a close internet friend, and is hilarious and jokes about farting and couldn’t be more fun and understanding.  It is still uncomfortable and embarrassing.  Am I right?)
So health-wise, I just did not FEEL good, and it is hard to navigate something so mentally huge when physically you feel like crapola.

The schedule was absolutely insane.  Every thing you choose to do, means you are choosing to miss 5 other things…which put me totally on edge.

There were parties and sessions and swag and speeches and meet-ups and meals and book signings and celebrity sightings and crowds and noise and chaos. Oh  my!  It was exhausting.

There were a few times I approached a “big” blogger I recognized, only to end up feeling stupid – like they were looking through me – hoping someone “more important” would come along.

There were many people who were obviously angling to try to make their blogs BIGGER or MAKE MORE MONEY. Yuck.

There were DEFINITE instances of cliques. Like one party that had a roped-off VIP table.  Um, for bloggers.  Bloggers that are afraid the riff-raff might spray them with their germies?  I am not sure.

Some bloggers sure do take themselves seriously!

There was definite high school snotty behavior.  I overheard many a conversation slamming other women for their clothes, or their size, or their…fill in the blank.  It was shocking and sad. 

I tried to compliment one fellow attendee on her darling chubby baby, who had red hair.  I felt a red-haired baby kinship.  And, don’t people LOVE to get compliments on their babies?  Uh, not this lady. “He is SO CUTE, I have a redhead too!!” I gushed. She looked somewhere in the direction of my left eyebrow, and literally elbowed past me to stomp off in her expensive high heels…CLIP CLOP CLIP CLOP.  I swear, I almost had to smell my armpits because I must have a foul odor coming off me or something. 

Yea.

Speaking of high heels, I wasted my time and money obsessing over shoes and clothes.  I got blisters on my feet, and half the people were wearing t-shirts and flip flops anyway.

I did not enjoy the parties whatsoever – the music was FAR too loud, too loud to even try to have a conversation. (Yes, I am old.)
There were many people focused on getting drunk – and that is so not my scene anymore.

I suck at small talk.
I felt totally out of place.
I felt like my smile was frozen and fake.
I couldn’t think of anything to say.
Nothing.
I was blank.
Besides, you can’t really say anything meaningful when the music is making your spleen vibrate.

Not one person approached me and tried to know me. 

I had to approach people myself to try to initiate conversations, and I am horrible at that.  Yet, I pushed myself, and tried, (which is good) but each time, it was awkward. You know that feeling?  Where you feel like everyone else knows each other and you are the outsider?
Yea, it sucks.
I felt ugly and intimidated and fat and stupid.
(Yes, I do realize these are my OWN insecurities, and nothing whatsoever to do with BlogHer, and also no ones fault but my OWN.  I am telling you – that setting amplified all my insecurites to level 50,000.)

I feel much regret that I tried to attend every party, even though after the first one, I knew the parties weren’t for me.  I should have just skipped the parties, had quiet evenings – concentrating on getting to know a few select people and maybe exploring the city.  I skipped a dinner with a close friend of mine (not a blogger) because I was trying to fit in two more parties.  Stupid stupid.  Dinner with a trusted friend would have been way more enjoyable.

I should have attended WAY more sessions, you know…to LEARN something or hear something inspirational.  Instead I was in my room, desperate for some quiet, recovering from too late of an evening, desperate to go home.

I tried to do too much then felt inadequate when I couldn’t keep up.

I tried to fit in to a scene which I really don’t even want to fit in to, then felt sad when I didn’t fit in.  To the scene.  Which I really don’t even want to fit in to.  Hello!  Dumb!

I missed my baby so badly it hurt.
I missed my family, and my quiet house.
I missed my baby so badly, it HURT.

Ok, I know by now you are thinking WOW, that sounds like one big pile of horrible and you suck and get over it, you whiny baby!  Reading it back, I am like WOW, NEGATIVE much??

Sorry.

It is negative.  But it is honest.
And I told you, we were gonna cover the bad stuff first.  ‘Cause the bad stuff is what is so hard to write about.

 Did everyone feel that way? Obviously, no.  I have read many many posts of first timers who LOVED it, and felt refreshed and inspired and ALIVE and met so many people, and forged so many new friendships and felt empowered and WOW!  WOO!  LOVE FEST! YEEHA! 

I also read quite a few posts from people that felt like just like me, which is a shame, but uh….THANK GOODNESS I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE!

Heh.

Like I said – I don’t fault BlogHer, I just don’t think it suited my personality.

Was there ANY good stuff, you ask? 

Thankfully, yes.  There WERE good things too! 
But, I am gonna stop here for now, give you time to breathe and get a cocktail and process.

Ok, I will leave you with SOMETHING positive…just so you don’t hurl yourself off a building after the crapfest of a post….

Me, with my roomie Eden.  Love her!

More later.

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9 Responses to “>I Just Can’t Figure Out How To Say This”


  1. 1 jill August 19, 2010 at 6:52 pm

    >Wowie, that sounds like how I might have felt if I had attended. I've contemplated going but after reading yours and a few other similar posts, if I ever do attend, I'll be sure to figure out a good plan for me. I'm sorry it sucked for you 😦 I can relate to a lot of the feelings you described. You just ended up with the wrong activities for your personality type, which would be so easy to do as a first-timer.Interested to read about the good stuff if there is any! 🙂

  2. 2 Crossed Fingers August 19, 2010 at 7:25 pm

    >I'm a homebody myself and it sounds like I would have had the same feelings. I prefer a small group of friends vs a huge group of new people where I know NO ONE!

  3. 3 MrsSpock August 19, 2010 at 9:14 pm

    >I chose not to attend for all the reasons you mentioned. I am a shy and introverted person when I am around new people. Big parties have never been my thing, and neither is marketing. I was in the dork clique in high school, and am pretty sure if you dropped me in a crowd with 1000 women, I'd still end up being the girl in the corner with her nose in a book, feeling mighty uncomfortable among all the flashy gals.

  4. 4 Heather August 19, 2010 at 9:15 pm

    >And this is why I have been too afraid to go to BlogHer. I'm not good with new people and definitely not good with crowds. It takes me a while to warm up to people – the kind of time you don't have in just a few days at a busy conference.I still want to go though and I'm still jealous you got to go…I do want to hear the good stuff though in your next post…

  5. 5 edenland August 19, 2010 at 11:18 pm

    >YES. True this one. I meant it when I said I want a do-over …. I said to Dave the other day, "Kate must think I'm a fucking IDIOT. I was manic and inappropriate and stinky and jittery."It was just so big, wasn't it mate? My lovely Americano, my smooshy expensive-burger-eating champion. My swan-glasses-wearing love. A highlight for me was walking around the expo hall with you … that was mainly fun. How did your red-haired Boo enjoy his play-doh? His Dora shirt? His book with matching placemat?If we DID have a do-over, I'm sure we would plan it differently.So so glad you wrote this.Hey, you know how you kept saying Bali was so exotic and amazing and wowie, and I was all, pffffft, it's nothing special for Aussies?WELL BALI IS SO EXOTIC AND AMAZING AND AWESOME!!!!!!!!!Keep thinking of you when I take piccies.Love you HHEEEEEAAAAAPPPPPSSSSS.EdenPS I am *so* sorry for that stinky fart that time when you wee trying to rest.

  6. 6 edenland August 19, 2010 at 11:19 pm

    >*Were* trying to rest, not wee.Although we did plenty of that too.

  7. 7 Cheryl Lage August 21, 2010 at 2:02 am

    >How I love your candor. 🙂 Wish I had seen you…I'd have come and introduced myself.'Twas overwhelming. LOVED meeting folks I felt like I already "knew", and that's what I loved.The swag made me feel a bit tawdry…and I passed much along. Went once. No regrets. Doubt I'll ever go again. Does that make sense?Think the best session I attended (of the two I attended) was the "Loving your small blog". I do. And that's my bigger takeaway. 🙂

  8. 8 Kristen August 21, 2010 at 2:50 pm

    >Visiting from ICLW…I imagine I would've felt very similar to you had I attended. Its truly amazing to me how quickly situations like that turn me into an insecure, exhausted mess. Sorry the weekend was so overwhelming for you, but good for you for at least giving it a try. I often talk myself out of things like that before even giving it a chance.

  9. 9 marlynn September 1, 2010 at 9:31 pm

    >I was supposed to go last year but sold my ticket. My gut told me BlogHer wasn't for me, and I am pretty sure my gut was right. Still, mad props to you for checking it out & going.


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