>Hands

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Ever since my Dad passed away, I have been wearing his ring.  It was his father’s ring – my grandfather, who I never met (he died before I was born). My Dad wore it for as long as I can remember…my whole life I guess.
He wore it on his pinky, I wear it on my middle finger.  It used to have the Navy Seal, or so I am told – but it has faded so much over time that I have no idea what I am looking at.  Eagle wings?  Eagle feet?  I can’t seem to find a seal that looks like it.
Last night I was awake and crying from like 4 am til 6 am, because for the life of me I can’t seem to remember what my Dad’s hands look like wearing the ring.  PANIC.  This led to searching every picture I can find, trying to find a picture of his hand with the ring on it.  
I don’t know why.
I just want to see my Dad’s hands.
I found three.  Three??  People take my advice, take a lot of pictures of your family.  We did not take enough.  
 With my niece, and you can barely see the ring…you can barely see his hands at all.
With me, I think i was about 8?  He looks so young! You can JUST see the ring, barely.
It took a few hours of effort from FOUR of us to find a suitable picture for the obituary.  My Dad didn’t much like to have his picture taken, but I should have been up in his face snapping pictures all the time.  I have barely 5 pictures of him with Nathan, HUGE regret.   All are when Nate was an infant.  Dammit, I wish I had some with Nate as a toddler.  He saw Nate many times as a toddler, but like an ass, I took no pictures.  Shit.
Anyway…. BINGO, there is the ring, and one hand.  PHEW.
Next I guess I can search my Mom’s stash of pictures, but I feel a little weird and psycho crazy.  I NEED TO SEE HIS HANDS, his HANDS I say, HANDS!! HELP HELP HELP!  My Mom has enough to worry about.
I know it is irrational. 
Another time I had a dream that I lost the ring, and my whole family was disgusted and angry with me, and my Mom was crying.  Dreams suck.
Needless to say I won’t be taking the ring with me to NYC for BlogHer because I am afraid it will magically slide off my finger and get lost in NYC sewer.
Yes, I am crazy.
My sister wants the ring too, but since she is far away, I just happened to get it.  We will take turns wearing it, I will pass it over when I see her next I guess. 
It is weird how so much emotion can get attached to a hunk of metal, but so it is.
I miss my Dad.
___
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3 Responses to “>Hands”


  1. 1 Kelly July 23, 2010 at 4:51 pm

    >the irrational-ness is completely "normal"…grief is just such a funny and individual thing.I'm so glad you have at least a few pictures and especially a picture of the ring. (((hugs))) losing those we love is always hard and the grief never seems to end…just changes form.

  2. 2 Crossed Fingers July 23, 2010 at 5:15 pm

    >*hugs* I'm glad you have such fond and loving memories of him. Thanks for the reminder to take more than just mental pictures in life!


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