>Breaking up is hard to do.

>I am beginning the process of weaning.

I am really conflicted about this.

I have been crying about this. A lot.

This is not how I wanted things to go. I wanted to do child led weaning, where he is more able to decide when he is ready. And he is sooooo NOT ready. Nursing is his comfort, he loves it so much. He giggles when he sees me unhook, and pats me lovingly. He is so not ready to give it up.

But I am starting to be ready. I am starting to dread nursing times, his full set of teeth start to grind down on me as he falls asleep. I am wanting to have my body back. I am thinking of the future, and wanting another baby, and wanting a break before that happens. And most importantly, I am wanting him to learn other ways of comforting himself, and falling asleep, WITHOUT my boob in his mouth.

Even with all this, I am conflicted. Its hard to give this up, this incredible bond – this guaranteed cuddle time.

And it is not going down easy.

He gave up all nursing sessions except the sleeping ones fairly easily. I can distract him. He still reaches for my shirt, and puts up a fuss, and tries, but I can re-direct him and we move on.

He will not, can not, doesn’t know how – to fall asleep without nursing though. And I am clueless as how to help him. He nurses now for nap (once a day), at bedtime (7pm), and once overnight (usually 3 am or so.) We are trying to cut out the nap session first.

Day one, I tried substituting warm milk in a sippy at naptime. He wanted nothing to do with it – pushed the sippy away, walked away – would not snuggle, would not have anything to do with me. (oh my god, my heart is breaking.) That day – NO nap.

Day two – he is exhausted. I tried the warm milk in a sippy – he wanted nothing to do with it, but this time wailed pitifully and clawed at my shirt, and cried and cried and cried. I snuggled and rocked and shh’d and kissed and loved, but, NO nap.

Day three – repeat exactly. But by day 3 afternoon – he is absolutely bleary eyed – miserable – so I give in and nurse – but for a timed bit – 4 minutes on each boob by the clock – then I pop him off ….he screams and wails and cries and it hurts my heart – I am aching for him, but he twists around and lo and behold – falls asleep in my arms. Exhaustion won. Only I realize I forgot to slip him the warm sippy cup…which I am trying to get him used to as his naptime cue. CRAP.

Today is Day 4. I think this is starting to affect him – he is crabby and clingy and out of sorts. He had a terrible time falling asleep last night, even with nursing, Daddy had to take him for a drive, and he still woke up a little later – screaming for me and wanting to cling to my wedding ring. He loves to play with my ring, but last night it became like his security object. I am afraid to take him out anywhere, because he is like a coiled spring, ready to explode. It is definitely affecting me – I feel anxious and confused and worried and sad. Am I doing the right thing? Am I going about it the right way? I don’t know.

If this ever even works, then we still have to conquer getting him to sleep in his own bed, instead of ours. Oh god.

I feel like the biggest screw-up of a parent EVER, because I allowed him to get into all these “bad” habits, and now have to torture him to get him out of them. And they wouldn’t be “bad” habits (to me) if I wasn’t thinking of having another baby, so I feel somehow selfish, like I am putting some unborn imaginary baby’s needs before my toddler’s needs.

Shit fuck.


EDITED to add: – Little Man is 25 months. A 2 year old, with the attitude to match!! LOL!


6 Responses to “>Breaking up is hard to do.”

  1. 1 Heather February 18, 2010 at 2:36 pm

    >You must be in serious pain from beating the crap out of yourself. Seriously. Stop beating yourself up.Yes this is hard and sucks – but it isn't going to permanently scar him in the long run. You aren't a bad parent. Transitions are hard. I weaned much earlier than I had planned (seven months) for completely selfish reasons. It is hard when you know you are doing it according to your own time schedule – but that doesn't make you a bad person. It will get easier but it will take time.Thinking of you.

  2. 2 Niksmom February 18, 2010 at 3:58 pm

    >Wishing I had a magic sippy cup to send to soothe your little sweetie. I have ZERO experience with this as Nik never was able to breast feed. But I do have understanding of breaking the habits we've created with our children. SUCKS.Listen to Heather…wise words. It won't scar him for life.

  3. 3 goodfountain February 18, 2010 at 4:21 pm

    >How old is your son? I ask because I may have some suggestions, but I need to know how old he is.I wanted my daughter to stop nursing to sleep too. She was about 18 months though. What I did was I started nursing her downstairs in the living room and then taking her up to bed and not nursing in her bed anymore. That worked fine for her. You may want to consider teaching him to fall asleep on his own before totally weaning. It might make it smoother.The middle of the night wakings to nurse – took 3-4 days of her being pissy and screaming at me. But then she stopped. She still wakes up in the night but she just needs a hug and goes back to sleep.I get the sense your son is younger than my daughter was so my other suggestions just may not work. Feel free to email me as I've got LOADS of breastfeeding experience.

  4. 4 Photogrl February 18, 2010 at 7:42 pm

    >My daughter weaned herself at 9 months, much to my dismay….so we never struggled with this.But I can hear your pain and understand the struggle.He'll be alright, you'll be alright. It just sucks in the meantime.((HUGS))

  5. 5 edenland February 19, 2010 at 1:11 am

    >Oh mate that must be really hard, for all of you!! You are like, the breastfeeding champion of champions. You have done so bloody well, imagine all that creamy goodness he has gotten for 25 months now. Awesome.All things change …. sounds like it's time now, anyway. Maybe even if you didn't have an imaginary second baby to think of, you'd be weaning now too.You have just totally inspired me to wean Rocco off the bottle. I'm serious – I'll start tonight, and see how it goes. I forgot you can use a sippy cup of warm milk, d'uh! Obviously he will suck a dummy til his 15, though.Hang in there my brofriend XOXOXOXOOX

  6. 6 Beautiful Mess February 19, 2010 at 4:32 pm

    >You're doing just fine. You're not a bad mom and you didn't teach him any bad habits. You love him and want to comfort him, and that's ok. Hang in there love, it'll get easier.*HUGS*

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