>Just Thinking

>This is gonna be hard to explain right.

I love the stage Boo man is in. He is so giggly and aware, so curious and interactive. He lights up and claps when he sees me, he snuggles me… he laughs at my jokes, ya know? He is just delectable.

So, because I am falling more and more in love with him,

(is that possible? its like my heart stretches bigger and bigger…just like the Grinch. Will it just explode some day?)

…I am starting to feel…twinges… like, I might want another one of these creatures someday.

But I am so conflicted.

Its not like I can just boom, have a baby. It would involve invasive medical procedures with no guarantees of success. And pregnancy…YICK…it was horrible for me, diabetes and exhaustion and nausea and glitches…can I put my body through that again?

And Oh MY GOD I am so freakin tired, how can I even possibly entertain the notion of a second when I can barely function with one??? How do you chase a toddler AND nurse a newborn all while NOT sleeping?

And my marriage…well, lets just say it has been better. Exhaustion has taken a toll. Boo Boo will surely sleep better some day, so why would I want to bring a newborn back in the mix?

Although I always longed for a big family, and pictured myself surrounded by a brood…I am really not sure I could handle being a mother of more than one. That makes me sad to admit. It takes everything I have to stay sane with one…I am bone tired tired so tired, did I mention tired? Sometimes feel like I am failing him. Because I am too tired to teach him sign language and take him to Gymboree, too tired to teach him french and knit him sweaters and take him on hikes and teach him colors and animals and shapes and music and and and and and aaaaaaak! We basically do a lot of rolling around on the floor together, sucking on each others cheeks. Seriously. The majority of our days are spent zerberting and tangling up in each others limbs. Its not exactly educational. Do I really want to fluck up another child too? Why am I so bad at this?

I see other Mommies who look rested and “together”, and their 5 children are wearing matching outfits and reciting poetry. Meanwhile, I look completely haggard and Boo often wears the same footie pajamas one night, the whole next day, and then again a second night. Yep.

And yet….there are twinges.

Oh to feel someone kick me from the inside, and oh the newborn feet and hands, and the teeeeenie diapers and weeeeenie onesies and wittle bitty baby lips.

And maybe, it might be kinda fun, sorta nice, to have a little girl? With pink, and bows, and dresses.

OH MY GOD, I am confused.

grinchheart Pictures, Images and Photos


7 Responses to “>Just Thinking”

  1. 1 Erin November 26, 2008 at 4:03 am

    >I can totally relate on wanting to more but after all we have been through it is scary.

  2. 2 IdleMindOfBeth November 26, 2008 at 5:46 pm

    >Here from ICLW, and wanted to wish you well on your journey to a decision that you can find peace with.

  3. 3 Coffeegrl November 27, 2008 at 4:42 am

    >Wow, I’m so glad I hit ICLW and found you. Either you did a great job with the explanation or I was already thinking pretty much the same thing you are. Sounds super familiar. I’m starting to think I’m doing something wrong. Why am I too tired to do anything fantastic while parenting? Why do I always look like I got stuck out in the rain all night when other mommies look so put together? I must be out of my mind to even THINK of a second.

  4. 4 marlynn November 27, 2008 at 8:23 am

    >I am sending hugs your way! I can relate to the same feelings you are having because that was me a few years ago. We went through two really tough and sometimes downright shitty years with our first (it's SO very different with our second & honestly, part of that is that they're different kids, but also, now we're different parents). Sometimes now, I wonder how we made it through all alive and somewhat sane during those years with our first. Just remember that as many moms as you look at and think they are put together, there are just as many moms that look at YOU and wonder how you can look so put together as you do while they're frazzled and tired beyond belief. I know, you don't believe it, but it's true. We weren't sure we'd have a second, but when the time came, we knew, we were ready. And you will be too, if that time does come; if not, then you will continue to be the stellar mom that you are with one. And you are, indeed, a stellar mama. 😉

  5. 5 Seriously? - Erin November 27, 2008 at 2:58 pm

    >This is a great post. I can relate on some level. I already worry about if I can handle a toddler and be pregnant (and I am only 26 weeks!). Thank god it isn’t just me who feels totally not together. I bet it is just going to get worse when I have to take care of the little man with little or no sleep!

  6. 6 FloridaWife November 28, 2008 at 4:34 am

    >And with being so tired who has time to do stuff with the husband, you know?

  7. 7 Kimberly November 29, 2008 at 2:54 pm

    >Ditto everything you said in the post. I feel the exact same way. In fact, just this morning, I asked my husband, “Do you worry about me having a second baby at some point??”

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