>Feeling pooey

>I seem to have some kind of bloggey writey block…which is bad, cause this blog is so new, how can I already be out of things to say? Or let me rephrase, out of fun things to say.

Truth is, I am having a kind of… blah existence these days. I’m struggling. I love my baby, its startling how much I love him. But, I am constantly afraid that I suck at being a Mom, so I am having trouble just enjoying our time together. I always feel there is more I should be doing…he should be learning sign language, and eating more solids, I should be taking him on playdates and to the library and park, but most often we hang around the house in our jammies til Daddy finishes work. He should be clapping by now, is he not clapping because I am not teaching him enough? He should be doing this, he should be doing that, I constantly feel like he is behind and its all my fault. I feel like I should be interacting with him more and teaching him something new every hour, but I know that’s not realistic. I am hard on myself, and I worry, that is my nature. Worry worry worry. I should be a professional worrier. He is such a happy baby, why can’t I just relax? He is obviously fine, but I’m not.

I am just so stinkin’ TIRED all the time. Even when he sleeps well, I wake up constantly to check on him, or just to stare at the ceiling and mull about things. All kinds of things. Worries. Concerns. Self doubts. Grocery lists. I have insomnia. BAD.

I don’t even recognize myself anymore. Who am I? I have lost my sparkle. I don’t want Boo to grow up with a sparkle free Momma. I am taking steps to feel better, seeing a counselor, exploring medications I can take while nursing..etc. (So no need to panic Mom, if you are reading). I guess I just need to vent a little. So, I will.

My whole life, my WHOLE LIFE, I have wanted to be a wife and mother. I have gone through periods of serious depression in the past, mostly revolving around bad relationships, or good relationships ending, and a constant fear I would never have a family of my own. Then I got married finally, and that was wonderful, and although we struggled to have a baby, we DID succeed, we hit the jackpot, and had Boo, and that was wonderful.

So here I am, a wife and mother. And still sad. Why?

I should be so happy. I mean, I should be freakin’ ecstatic. I have a kind husband and a nice home. I have a gorgeous baby, a baby that I longed for, prayed for, cried for, gave myself 9 million injections for. I should be over the moon. Instead I feel flat. I feel like I am just kind of coasting… getting through the days. I don’t have enough for myself – I focus the limited energy I have on my son, and there isn’t anything left over. Nothing for me, and nothing for my husband. And I know, I need to get out, and find my own things to do, and be with friends….yadda. I KNOW all this, I have been through therapy, I know the tricks to feel better. But, even when I do go out with friends, I feel kind of…foggy. Like I don’t have much to add to the conversation anymore, I am just another tired Mom with spit up on her shoulder.

Rrrrrg, I don’t know. I don’t even know if I should post this post, its definitely wallowing. I feel blue.

Ok, SHEESH..shake it off. Just so no one reads this and leaves totally depressed, here is a nice picture to end this whining on a sweeter note..


7 Responses to “>Feeling pooey”

  1. 1 MrsSpock October 28, 2008 at 1:50 am

    >You know, postpartum depression can start anytime during the first year of life. And having it doesn’t make you bad- just those goofy preggo hormones getting the best of the brain chemicals. Here’s a link for a screening quiz:http://pediatrics.about.com/library/quiz/blquiz_ppd_scng.htmSometimes it’s good to take the results of a quiz like this in with you to see the doc. That said, I always thought I would be doing storytime, walks, etc with my son, but we spend a lot of time at home. If your son is happy and developing- you are already doing what is right.

  2. 2 Beautiful Mess October 28, 2008 at 3:25 am

    >I’m with Mrsspock, if your little guy is happy then your doing just fine! My son is 5 and I didn’t do the “normal” preschool things with him. We did a lot of playing int he rain, making mud pies and going on worm hunts. I felt bad when he went into kindergarten this year, not knowing how to spell his name, but I had the best 5 years of my life with him and I woudln’t change it for the world! Hang in there and I hope you feel better soon!hugs,-D

  3. 3 ~Jess October 28, 2008 at 1:10 pm

    >I think it’s good that you are aware of how you are feeling and are getting help.Hopefully things start to turn around soon and you regain your sparkle. Good luck.ICLW

  4. 4 Average Girl In Average World October 28, 2008 at 5:45 pm

    >You know what is wrong, you know how to fix it, now you just have to do it. I agree with MsSpock. You are not bad. DON’T.EVER.FEEL.THAT.WAY.All children are different, they reach milestones at different ages, learn different ways, ect… Even siblings. All you can do is understand your childs unique personality and learning type and nurture it from there. Best of Luck!!

  5. 5 tripmom827 October 28, 2008 at 9:14 pm

    >hang in there. After years of trying for my firt as well, I could not understand for the life of me whay I wasn’t happy. For me, it turned out that I just wasn’t a happy person and kids didn’t fill the hole I thought they would. But, with the help of some good therapy and antidepressants…brand new mommy!Best Wishes!Here from ICLW and trying to get in all of my comments before it ends 🙂

  6. 6 Topcat October 29, 2008 at 5:06 am

    >Oh, sweet Katiepie!!!!I am only just reading this now, because, well, you know … I am a self obsessed ARSEHOLE.You are a wonderful mother WONDERFUL. I really mean that. Boo Boo man is divine. He looks like he is thriving, so happy and full of life.Believe me …. I hear you on this post. I’m building up to write one just like it, in fact. Once I shake the guilt. Whoopsies!!!Mate, we just do our best. It’s all we can do. From my corner of the world, your best is AWESOME.Muchas love,E XOXOXXOXOXOXOXOXOX

  7. 7 Photogrl October 30, 2008 at 2:32 am

    >We all feel pooey now and then…You are doing a great job with BooBoo, not to worry. I can’t believe he’s pulling up already!{{HUGS}}

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