>Feeling pooey

>I seem to have some kind of bloggey writey block…which is bad, cause this blog is so new, how can I already be out of things to say? Or let me rephrase, out of fun things to say.

Truth is, I am having a kind of… blah existence these days. I’m struggling. I love my baby, its startling how much I love him. But, I am constantly afraid that I suck at being a Mom, so I am having trouble just enjoying our time together. I always feel there is more I should be doing…he should be learning sign language, and eating more solids, I should be taking him on playdates and to the library and park, but most often we hang around the house in our jammies til Daddy finishes work. He should be clapping by now, is he not clapping because I am not teaching him enough? He should be doing this, he should be doing that, I constantly feel like he is behind and its all my fault. I feel like I should be interacting with him more and teaching him something new every hour, but I know that’s not realistic. I am hard on myself, and I worry, that is my nature. Worry worry worry. I should be a professional worrier. He is such a happy baby, why can’t I just relax? He is obviously fine, but I’m not.

I am just so stinkin’ TIRED all the time. Even when he sleeps well, I wake up constantly to check on him, or just to stare at the ceiling and mull about things. All kinds of things. Worries. Concerns. Self doubts. Grocery lists. I have insomnia. BAD.

I don’t even recognize myself anymore. Who am I? I have lost my sparkle. I don’t want Boo to grow up with a sparkle free Momma. I am taking steps to feel better, seeing a counselor, exploring medications I can take while nursing..etc. (So no need to panic Mom, if you are reading). I guess I just need to vent a little. So, I will.

My whole life, my WHOLE LIFE, I have wanted to be a wife and mother. I have gone through periods of serious depression in the past, mostly revolving around bad relationships, or good relationships ending, and a constant fear I would never have a family of my own. Then I got married finally, and that was wonderful, and although we struggled to have a baby, we DID succeed, we hit the jackpot, and had Boo, and that was wonderful.

So here I am, a wife and mother. And still sad. Why?

I should be so happy. I mean, I should be freakin’ ecstatic. I have a kind husband and a nice home. I have a gorgeous baby, a baby that I longed for, prayed for, cried for, gave myself 9 million injections for. I should be over the moon. Instead I feel flat. I feel like I am just kind of coasting… getting through the days. I don’t have enough for myself – I focus the limited energy I have on my son, and there isn’t anything left over. Nothing for me, and nothing for my husband. And I know, I need to get out, and find my own things to do, and be with friends….yadda. I KNOW all this, I have been through therapy, I know the tricks to feel better. But, even when I do go out with friends, I feel kind of…foggy. Like I don’t have much to add to the conversation anymore, I am just another tired Mom with spit up on her shoulder.

Rrrrrg, I don’t know. I don’t even know if I should post this post, its definitely wallowing. I feel blue.

Ok, SHEESH..shake it off. Just so no one reads this and leaves totally depressed, here is a nice picture to end this whining on a sweeter note..

>All of Life’s Major Accomplishments Happen in the John.

>

This is actually pics of Boo man’s second time standing by himself….the first time I was caught off guard, and spotting him to make sure he didn’t bash his face on my tub. This poor kid spends a lot of time with me in our ugly pink bathroom. He is probably motivated to stand/walk so he can get up and get the heck out of there.

In other news, he has his second ear infection in 15 days. Poor guy! After spending the last three days wiping his snotty nose all over me, (including one unfortunate incident where he snarfed INTO my mouth)… big surprise…I am sick now too! So I am terribly behind in ICLW commenting, I’m so sorry! I will try to catch up this weekend. Sniffle sniffle.

>For fun!

>

Fun fun….copy and paste to your blog! Then… let me know so I can come and read it!!

1. Where is your cell phone? Mmm, probably under the driver seat in my car. I don’t use it much. Shocking, I know.
2. Where is your significant other? In his office, bringing home the bacon.
3. Your hair color? Dark blonde.
4. Your mother? my Mommy, I mean, enough said.
5. Your father? ditto the above, only use Daddy
6. Your favorite thing? {at this moment} the Mums in the front yard.
7. Your dream last night? I was stranded at a beach hotel..and kept calling my parents to come pick me up. There were snakes involved, like it was some kind of beach hotel/snake farm. I have very odd dreams.
8. Your dream/goal? get my life under control.
9. The room you’re in? Living room.
10. Your hobby? Scrapbooking, reading, drawing.
11. Your fear? That I wont be a good Mom to Boo Boo. Somehow I am going to mess this kid up, I just know it.
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Living in a different state, maybe one more child? I said MAYBE…I am still too tired to really be sure.
13. Where were you last night? Weight Watchers…I lost THREE pounds last week…woop woop!
14. What you’re not? awake or full.
15. One of your wish list items? Embroidery machine. One of the big fancy ones.
16. Where you grew up? Haddonfield, New Jersey
17. The last thing you did? Ate some cheerios, changed a poopy diaper, then ate the rest of my cheerios. Isn’t that gross?
18. What are you wearing? Sweatpants and a t-shirt with purple flowers on it. H.O.T.
19. Your TV? is off.
20. Your pet? 3 kitties…Monique, Maisy, and Milo
21. Your computer? silver laptop.
22. Your mood? tired but ok
23. Missing someone? my girlfriends in NY
24. Your car? Toyota Rav 4…silver….her name is Sylvia.
25. Something you’re not wearing? make-up
26. Favorite store? Target….oooooo, yea! Loves me some Target.
27. Your summer? very fun! A few nice beach trips. Too short.
28. Love someone? Of course!
29. Your favorite color? Red.
30. When is the last time you laughed? last night in the middle of the night when the power went out.
31. Last time you cried? last night after the power went out when I couldn’t get back to sleep again. Stupid insomnia.

Now you go!

>Nom Nom Nom

>Well, my last post was about hating to diet, so lets make this one about CHOCOLATE. Yea, baby, yea!!!!!

This is a recipe my mother in law gave me for a quick cake you can whip up in the microwave. I actually need your help on this one my friends, cause although it was tasty, it was kinda…tough? Chewy? Dry? I am not sure what I did wrong, and I am hoping someone can figure it out…cause this recipe has SUCH potential. Yummy cake in 5 minutes? I’m so down!

But I want my cake to be moist…not so dense and chewy. I am NOT proficient in baking…so I need someone who IS to figure this out. One thing I MAY have done wrong, is that I did not beat the egg before I put it in the dry mix, so I had to mix the HECK out of it all to get the egg blended…could that make it tough? ANYHOO…the challenge is on…make this, make it 12 times if you need to, I am giving you permission. Lets all eat lots of cake in the name of science! Yea!
I hope someone who comes across this blog can fix it. Momma loves me some CAKE.

5 Minute Chocolate Mug Cake
4 Tablespoons flour (plain flour, not self-rising)
4 Tablespoons sugar
2 Tablespoons Hershey’s baking cocoa
Dash of vanilla
1 egg
3 Tablespoons milk
3 Tablespoons oil
3 Tablespoons chocolate chips (optional)
1 large microwave safe mug

Add dry ingredients to mug and mix well. Add the vanilla, egg, milk, and oil to mug and mix well. Add the chocolate chips (if using) and mix well. Put mug in microwave and cook for 3 minutes at 1000 watts. The cake may rise above the top of the mug, but don’t be scared! It won’t run down the sides of the mug, but will drop back down when micro stops. Allow to cool a couple of minutes, then tip out onto a plate if ya wanna, (or just eat it right out of the mug). I drizzled with chocolate sauce and topped with whipped cream. I suppose you could also frost it, ohhhh yea! My brain just exploded.

Here is mine before…

And after, still in mug…

Then after I made it all purdy…..

Slurp!!!!!

>I Hate Dieting

>
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