>I Still Think About Them

>I actually think about them more now… now that I have a live child. Would they have looked like Boo Boo? Would they have the same red hair and grey blue eyes? What would my life be like now if my tubes had done their job?

The first was not with my husband. It was right after college, with someone I was not serious about. I never told him, because what was the point? I wonder if I should have. At the time, I was in no way ready to be a mother. Though I wanted to be one, I had a different picture in my head of when and how. Before I had even wrapped my brain around a positive pee stick…I started bleeding very heavily, and called a male friend in a panic to take me to the emergency room. I remember the cab ride, I was petrified, and my male friend kept talking about going to beat up the guy that had “done this to me”. It was very dramatic. I remember the ultrasound, where they were looking for a heartbeat…and I was thinking “I DONT WANT THIS, I DONT WANT THIS, I DONT WANT THIS”. I was by myself, and kept thinking “I want my Mommy”, but I was too ashamed to call my parents. It was horrible. And then they determined it was ectopic. When I found out it was not viable…although I was scared and shocked and sad, there was a big part of me that was relieved. Like somehow God had just taken care of things for me, so I didn’t have to decide if I needed to get rid of it or keep it. Isn’t that horrible? I am ashamed of myself when I think back to those feelings. But I was young and I thought I had all the time in the world to have babies. Foolish. I got two shots of methotrexate and 3 months of follow up appointments, and then it was done. I was told my numerous medical professionals that it was a fluke, these things happen, especially in first time pregnancies. I should have no problem getting pregnant later in life. I moved on, and that was that. I often felt sad, but not desperately so.

The second time was much much harder. I had been married for over a year, and the longing for motherhood became all consuming. I thought more about the first loss, worried that something was wrong with me, sad that I hadn’t been more sad about losing the first, if that makes any sense. I began charting and using OPK’s, and after about 5 cycles, I finally got a positive pee stick. I was beyond thrilled, until I went in for my blood tests…HcG doubling too rapidly and very low progesterone. I don’t think I am ready to talk about this fully. It was weeks of appointments, ultrasounds and blood tests before they figure out what was happening. I was too far gone for methotrexate, ended up in emergency surgery. The embryo had expelled from my tube the wrong way, and ended up attached to the outside of my uterus. I saw a picture. Devastation. I have never been more crushed. I have never cried so hard…wailing in agony, my husband sitting by helplessly. I’ll need to get it out in writing eventually I guess, but not now.

And then, IVF, and Boo Boo. I feel so blessed to have him. He is a miracle to me, and so sweet…he is everything I ever wanted. I have never been more tired. Sometimes I am completely overwhelmed, and I am convinced I suck at motherhood. But I love him so deeply. And when I hold him, feel his soft skin, and the heavy damp weight of him nestled in my arms after a nap, I often get a flash of “what if”. What if the other two had made it past my faulty tubes to the right place? If the one with my husband had, we wouldn’t even have Mr. Boo…we would have someone else. Its a tumble of confusing emotions…I am not sure how to process them. In some weird way, I miss them, those other two. I miss the possibility of what they could have been I guess. I feel the need to honor them somehow, but I dont know what to do. I feel guilt that I didn’t honor the first sooner.

So yea, I still think about them.



6 Responses to “>I Still Think About Them”

  1. 1 Cece August 26, 2008 at 5:32 pm

    >I wonder what it’s going to be like when my LO enters the world. I don’t think much about my 2 losses (one ectopic and one MC) but I have friends with babies that arrived when I woudl have been due… and I find myself thinking – I could have had a baby that age! Crazy.

  2. 2 Photogrl August 27, 2008 at 2:44 am

    >I think it’s hard not to think about those losses. They are a part of you, no matter how long they were here, you know?Even if I don’t think about them for weeks, even months, it never fails, something will trigger a memory.{{HUGS}}

  3. 3 mom2rebels August 27, 2008 at 2:21 pm

    >((hugs))I know our experiences are vastly different, but I have also suffered loss. It is hard and it creeps up at the most unexpected times sometimes. I miscarried and then two weeks later was pregnant again…I fully understand the thoughts of missing one, while realizing you’d not have the other if the first made it. Confusing and hard to process for sure!Anyways, one of the things we did was buy a Christmas ornament in memory of our little one. We went as a family and picked it out together (I miscarried two days before Christmas). Now each year, it’s the last ornament put on the tree, always at the top and always put on by me. We have a special song that the kids call “our baby’s song”, so we play that song, talk about our little one and then put on the ornament. The first couple of years, that was very hard for me. I wanted to push it all to the back of my mind. With little ones that were sad and confused, that wasn’t an option. They needed something tangible. Anyways, maybe you could do something like that…plant a tree or buy an ornament or a suncatcher for your window or something?

  4. 4 Gina's Public Diary August 28, 2008 at 2:10 am

    >Lovely. *sniff* My husband and I didn’t get to have children (faulty sperm) but we have accepted it and moved on and love our childless life now. We also lost a baby very early. I think about him/her sometimes.

  5. 5 lub August 28, 2008 at 4:03 pm

    >Yeah- I miss my losses too. Boo boo is adorable by teh way. Thanks for the visit from ICLW. šŸ™‚

  6. 6 Carbon August 29, 2008 at 10:00 pm

    >HUGSProcessing can happen sometimes in stages, in fits and starts over a long period of time. There is no rush.~an ICLW wanderer

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