>Jumbly thoughts. memory rant. Long mess.


Today when I was cleaning out my desk, (I was cleaning out my desk cause my child TOOK A NAP – PRAISE BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) I found a stash of IVF paraphernalia. Thick Progesterone needles, smaller orange capped needles, teenie needles from my Follistim pen, the pen itself still nestled in its blue case. Alcohol swabs. Instruction sheets. Med vials. Schedules.

MAN, I cant believe how much we went through to have a child. When I was in the thick of it, I was barely able to hang on, it was so intense. Brutal. So many shots, so many meds, so many appointments….so many
emotions. I bawled daily – scared it wouldn’t work and I would never have a child. I fought with my husband constantly, the meds making me a hormonal monster. Every morning, heading to the clinic. Every morning, a wand stuck up me to check my ovaries. Every morning, a different tech weilding that wand. (I think most of the tri-state area has seen my lady bits). Every morning, blood drawn from my arms, my inner arms a purply yellow bruised mess. Shots I gave myself morning and evening, my poor tummy turning black and blue – speckles all over. Towards the end it took me longer and longer to finally plunge the needle in, I just reached some kind of mental block. Shots my husband gave me – oh god the progesterone in oil. My husband had an alarm set on his blackberry to remind us…I still hear that damn tune in my head. The longest needles, the thickest med…it went in slow and made an oily lump under my skin that I had to knead. I would grip a stuffed moose and lean against the kitchen counter for most of them, but sometimes we had to get out you know, so the shots came too. He gave me those shots in the weirdest locations…under the bleachers at a football game, in the parking lot of Outback Steakhouse. Oh yea, the time he shot me with the mixing needle the size of a pencil by accident. Nice. The time he had to go away on business and I had to give the booty shots to myself. I would twist this way and that trying to figure out the angle. I would call him for a pep talk. I would stall. I would cry. Then WHAMMO I would finally work up the nerve to plunge the 2 inch metal into my own rear end. Ugh.

The acupuncture appointments, why did I sign up for more needles? The one session where I fell asleep and dreamt of my DH and I, bathing a little tow headed boy. I woke up feeling certain some day we would be parents, even if it meant adoption. It was the only serene moment I had during the entire IVF process.

The night shots had to be given at the same time every evening…and the handful of times we forgot, I would end up screaming wailing blubbering in the car…so scared our forgetfullness would cost me my longed for baby. On my 36th birthday – halfway to the crab restaurant in Maryland – I realized we forgot to bring the meds. I have never cried that hard in my life – my husband had to pull over to the side of the road and make me breathe in a bag. My birthday ruined, my hopes at an all time low, feeling fat and bloated, thinking of the baby we lost, thinking of how badly I wanted to be pregnant…how the hell could we be so stupid and forget the meds? We turned back home, gave me the shots, and I spent the rest of my birthday recovering from a crying induced migraine..nibbling on Saltines.

Oh yea! Then I responded too well and was told I might have to delay my cycle for OHSS. I never drank so much Gatorade in my life…3 days of drinking fluids, eating salt to balance my electrolytes, resting, and going to the clinic daily to check on things. My ovaries the size of grapefruits, I waddled when I walked. I was the star patient according to Dr. F. Bulging with follicles. I still remember retrieval day vividly. During the procedure, I woke up too soon and felt them harvesting eggs, pokey sharp pains as they stuck in the needles. Watching through hazy eyes as they shuttled them to the lab. Feeling so freaked out. Success, they got something like 31 eggs..I am a freakin hen! The days waiting, waiting for the calls in the afternoons to tell me how my embryos were doing. 21 survived, most making it to blastocyst phase. Day 5 would be my transfer. Having to drink so much water to have a full bladder. That morning, I vomited. Just a ball of pure fear, and my stomach couldn’t take it. We were running a bit late to our transfer, so I had to just run to the car, a bit of vomit in my hair. Then I worried that the little embryo wouldn’t want to stick in my upset gut. There was pretty much nothing that I didnt worry about. Then, looking at the pictures of the embryos. Having to decide if we transfer back one or two. Worried I would make the wrong decision. What if one wasnt enough, but what if two was too many? Transferred one, 19 made it to ice.

Watching on a screen as they put that one precious embryo inside me. Of course I cried. You could SEE IT…this tiny POOF of liquid shooting out from the tube…*ptoooey* I gripped my DH’s hand….I pictured the little guy parachuting down and settling into my uterus. I always pictured it as a little boy. Then in recovery, it became clear I had drank TOO MUCH water, and I had to pee so bad I saw stars. But I was worried (natch) that if I peed, I would pee out the embryo. I held it in so long I cried (a lot of crying in IVF) …and finally asked for a bedpan. My poor loving husband had to empty that bedpan and clean it like 4 times I was so full. I thought we wouldnt be cleaning out each others pee pans til our 80’s.

Then….on May 19…BFP. Big Fu**in Postive!!! But for me, pregnancy was not fun. Low progesterone meant extra shots and lots of fear. Placenta Previa. Choroid Plexus Cyst – a marker for Trisomy 18. Enlarged kidneys. Breech. Low Fluid. Gestational Diabetes (oh hooray, more freakin daily needles.) Finding out it was a little man, I KNEW IT! Holy weight gain. Holy swollen ankles. I really still didnt believe I would be a Mom, I thought it would get taken away. This post is getting too long.

It was insane, the whole process. The whole process of having this child. Sometimes I wonder how I survived it. Sometimes I wonder how my marriage survived it. Do people realize how lucky they are when they just have sex with their husband and woopsies! Pregnant!! They dont. They really dont.
I feel so unbelievably blessed that IVF worked for us on that first round. I am not sure if I could have gone through it again if it hadn’t. And I feel so unbelievably blessed that Boo Boo is mine. He made it. Through all the odds, he made it into my arms, into the world. He doesnt even know how much he was wanted, how much we went through to meet him. I hope some day I can explain how very much I love him..how he healed my broken heart and made my wishes come true. Ok, I am teary now.


3 Responses to “>Jumbly thoughts. memory rant. Long mess.”

  1. 1 Candice August 14, 2008 at 9:05 pm

    >Wow, you are amazing! I never knew you had to go through all that. Your little boy is so lucky to have you! *CandiceLeigh

  2. 2 The Swann's August 15, 2008 at 5:52 am

    >Any woman who endures IVF is a hero in my eyes!!!! Congrats to you and your bundle of joy!!!! 🙂

  3. 3 mom2rebels August 17, 2008 at 3:50 am

    >I’m so glad you have your precious little one and I’m sorry you had to go through so much to get him! Stories like yours are always a reminder to me to not take mine for granted.

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